“In this concise summary of How to Win Friends & Influence People, you will discover my essential takeaways organized chronologically, designed to save time and serve as a convenient reference for future use. When relevant, I include a personal note to express my opinion or key take-away from the text, adding a personalized touch to the summary. To dive deeper into the complete book, I have provided an affiliate link to Amazon, where you can effortlessly purchase it for global delivery.” – Jeroen Snoeks.
How “How to Win Friends & Influence People” Broadened My Perspective
This book first caught my attention as I read that Warren Buffett recommended it as one of the best books ever written. However, I’ve found myself repeatedly clarifying that this book isn’t about manipulating others or exerting negative influence. Given its origins in 1937, it’s essential to consider the different implications of certain phrases and concepts at the time – especially regarding the book’s title.
For me, this book embodies the fundamental principles of human interaction. I have become such a fan of this book, believing that if embraced universally, they could pave the way for a more compassionate and understanding world, even advocating that it should be taught to our children at school.
As an investor, I’ve found the principles laid out in this book to be particularly relevant when evaluating a company’s management. The cultivation of these traits within a company can foster an environment where employees can thrive, ultimately leading to shareholder rewards. Although I acknowledge it’s always difficult to determine the quality of management, you can find some more valuable resources via the provided link.
At the bottom of this book summary, you will discover a concise recap of Dale Carnegie’s principles, allowing you to create a convenient cheat-sheet for future reference. This can serve as a quick guide to revisit the key points and apply them in real-life scenarios.
In the following sections, I’ve detailed my key takeaways from each chapter in the same order they appear in the book. This structure should make it easier for you to cross-reference any particular chapter if you decide to delve deeper into the subject matter.
Preface to Revised Edition
How to Win Friends & Influence People was first published in 1937 in an edition of only five thousand copies. Since then, it took its place in publishing history as one of the all-time international best-sellers. Each generation has rediscovered its relevance and been inspired to use its principles to better their lives.
How This Book Was Written And Why – by Dale Carnegie
At first, I conducted course in public speaking only – courses designed to train adults, by actual experience, to think on their feet and express their ideas with more clarity, more effectiveness and more poise, both in business interviews and before groups. But gradually, as the season passed, I realized that as sorely as these adults needed training in effective speaking, they needed still more training in the fine art of getting along with people in everyday business and social contacts.
“The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability, than for any other under the sun.” – John D. Rockefeller.
I myself had been searching for years to discover a practical, working handbook on human relations. Since no such book existed, I have tried to write one for use in my own courses. After fifteen years of experiment and research came this book.
Nine Suggestions on How to Get the Most Out of This Book
In order to get the most out of this book:
- Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of human relations.
- Read each chapter twice before going on to the next one.
- As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply each suggestion.
- Underscore each important idea.
- Review this book each month. The rapidity with which we forget is astonishing.
Personal note: This explains my motivation behind writing this book summary, and on a broader scale, outlines the reason for my initiation of UndervaluedEquity.com – it provides me with a resource to retain crucial knowledge on investing.
- Apply these principles at every opportunity. Use this volume as a working handbook to help you solve your daily problems. “If you teach a man anything, he will never learn.” – Bernard Shaw. When you are displeased, it is much easier to criticize and condemn than it is to try to understand the other person’s viewpoint. It is frequently easier to find fault than to find praise. It is more natural to talk about what you want than to talk about what the other person wants. Whenever you are confronted with some specific problem – such as handling a child, winning your spouse to your way of thinking, or satisfying an irritated customer – hesitate about doing the natural thing, the impulsive thing. This is usually wrong. Instead, try these new ways and watch them achieve magic for you.
- Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these principles.
- Check up each week on the progress you are making. Ask yourself what mistakes you have made, what improvement, what lessons you have learned for the future.
- Keep notes in the back of this book showing how and when you have applied these principles.
Part One – Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1. “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive”
Criticism is futile, because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. The big secret of dealing with people.
John Dewey, one of America’s most profound philosophers, said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important“. It is what Freud calls “the desire to be great“.
If you want someone to do something for you, ensure that they do it willingly. “What do you want?” Some of the things most people want include:
- Health and the preservation of life.
- Food.
- Sleep.
- Money and the things money will buy.
- Life in the hereafter.
- Sexual gratification.
- The well-being of our children.
- A feeling of importance.
There is nothing else that so kills the ambition of a person as criticism of superiors. Use appreciation and encouragement instead of criticism.
Appreciations vs. Flattery = Sincere vs. Insincere. Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.
“I shall pass this way but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” – An old saying written on Dale Carnegie’s mirror.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. “He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”
How to influence people? Talk about what they want and show them how to get it. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.
“If there is any secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” – Henry Ford
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.
In sales, try to arouse a desire.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Part Two – Six Ways to Make People Like You
1. Do this and you’ll be welcome anywhere.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist wrote in his book “What Life Should Mean to You”: “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men, who has the greatest difficulties in life and provided the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness and let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. A simple way to make a good first impression.
The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.
A smile says “I like you, You make me happy, I am glad to see you”. That’s why dogs make such a hit. A baby’s smile has the same effect.
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inward conditions. It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing, that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – William Shakespeare
“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abraham Lincoln
“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.” – Chinese proverb
Principle 2: Smile
3. If you don’t do this, you are headed for trouble.
Remember a name and call it easily and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it – and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves; they are to busy.
Remember names and make them feel important (by listening and reacting to their saying).
When introducing yourself, make sure you’ve correctly heard the other person’s name; for difficult names, ask for the spelling.
During a conversation, repeat the name and associate it with the person’s physical characteristics, expressions, and thoughts.
The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. An easy way to become a good conversationalist.
Listen because of genuine interest. Don’t interrupt, contradict, irritate. We all want a friendly, sympathetic listener (especially when we are mad, hurt, or in trouble).
If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.
People who talk only of themselves, think only of themselves. To be interesting, be interested. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. How to interest people.
The road to one person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she interests most.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
6. How to make people like you instantly.
What is there about him or her that I can honestly admire?
There is one all-important law of human conduct: Always make the other person feel important.
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” – William James
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” – Jesus Christ
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
You want approval, recognition, to feel important. You don’t want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery.
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” – Benjamin Disraeli
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
Part Three – How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1. You can’t win an argument.
Why prove to a man he’s wrong? Especially if he didn’t ask for your opinion. Even if you are right, all it accomplishes is making the other person feel attacked and resentful towards you. Ask yourself: what do I gain from proving myself right? (Other than a fleeting sense of superiority, at the expense of the other person.) Always try to avoid an argument.
“A man convinced against his will, is off the same opinion still.” – Dale Carnegie
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. A sure way of making enemies – and how to avoid it.
If you tell people they are wrong, you have struck a direct blow to their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect.
“Men must be taught as if you taught them not. And things unknown proposed as things forgot.” – Alexander Pope
If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong – yes, even that you know is wrong – isn’t it better to begin by saying: “Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.” There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say “You’re wrong” and don’t argue.
3. If you’re wrong, admit it.
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking, or wants to say, or intends to say – and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. A drop of honey.
“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” – Abraham Lincoln
“The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.” – Aesop
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.
5. The secret of Socrates
In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person saying “Yes, yes”, at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No”.
It doesn’t pay to argue.
Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes”, “yes” immediately.
6. The safety valve in handling complaints.
When you disagree, don’t interrupt. Instead, listen patiently and learn with an open mind.
Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles.
Ask about one’s achievements and only mention yours when they ask.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. How to get cooperation.
Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgement to try to ram your opinions down the throat of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions – and let the other person think out the conclusion?
People like to be consulted about their wishes, their wants and their thoughts.
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. A formula that will work wonders for you.
How would I feel, how would I react, if I were in his shoes? Try to understand them and find out their reasoning.
Show that you consider the other people’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.
Ask yourself: “Why should he/she want to do it?”
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. What everybody wants.
You deserve very little credit for being what you are. Environment and upbringing play a significant role. The people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Sympathize with them.
People grave for sympathy as why they show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. An appeal that everybody likes.
All people have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation (even iconic figures such as Robin Hood and Al Capone).
According to J. Piermont Morgan, a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real reason. All of us, being idealist at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
Make people feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. The movies do it. TV does it. Why don’t you do it?
The truth has to be made vivid, interesting and dramatic if you want attention. Use showmanship, TV does it.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.
12. When nothing else works, try this.
“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” – Charles Schwab
When multiple groups need to achieve similar results, provide them with a challenge so they can “compete” with each other. Everybody has a desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.
Part Four – Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
1. If you must find fault, this is the way to begin
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our own good points.
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. How to criticize – and not be hated for it.
Never use “but” while you praise someone; change it into “and”.
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes first.
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. No one likes to take orders.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the person whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of commanding / giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
Even if we are right and the other person is definitively wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Principle 5: Let the other person save face.
6. How to spur people on to success.
Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
Use praise instead of criticism and be specific and detailed were you praise about.
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7. Give a dog a good name.
If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique – be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
Never point out someone’s shortcomings, but instead emphasize what is going well. This way, they will improve in all aspects.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Making people glad to do what you want.
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
The technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you.
Six guidelines to change attitudes or behavior:
- Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you can not deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
- Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
- Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
- Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
- Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
- When you make your request, put it in in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggested.
In a Nutshell
- Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want. - Six Ways to Make People Like You
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 2: Smile
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. - How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say “You’re wrong” and don’t argue.
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.
Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes”, “yes” immediately.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge. - Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of commanding / giving direct orders.
Principle 5: Let the other person save face.
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggested.
Reading the original book instead of a summary offers a comprehensive understanding, emotional connection, appreciation of the author’s writing style, direct support for the author, and the chance to discover hidden gems. Enhance your reading experience by purchasing the book through my affiliate link: Get the Book on Amazon.
